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Why You Shouldn't Root for the O's

The Seattle Mariners haven't been to the postseason since 2001. Failed trades and signings, unexpected uprisings (hello, 2014 Kansas City Royals), and a rotating door of general managers have turned this franchise into one of the most snakebitten in all of sports.

However, this year appears to be different. The Mariners currently hold the final wild card spot with a 2.5-game lead. That has led to a litany of happy dances and boosted attendance in Seattle, which is excellent. There was a point when Mariner baseball was the talk of the town (even leading the majors in home attendance!), and it appears that time has returned.

But there's one team that has unnecessary magic to their season: the Baltimore Orioles. While the O's have also been unfortunate in their own right, they can't stop winning games now. This team has so much magic in them that they should become a wizard in a Dungeons and Dragons campaign. They're the biggest threat to the M's ending the longest postseason drought in all of sports.

And who could blame them? Back-to-back 100-loss seasons, an owner looking to move the team to Tennessee, and becoming the AL version of the Pittsburgh Pirates has turned Baltimore into a laughing stock.

But they kept Seattle out of a playoff spot in 2016, too. With Ariana Grande-lookalike Manny Machado leading the team, the O's stopped any hopes of the M's making the postseason for the first time since 2001.

They're trying to do it again, with a motley crew of players like Ryan Mountcastle and Adley Rutschsman. In fact, the only reason why they beat the White Sox last night was that Tony La Russa crapped himself in his Depends. That hit is going to be the highlight of Kyle Stowers' career, by the way.

Currently, the Orioles are MLB's resident cockroaches; they just won't die. Well-timed base hit after well-timed base hit, this team won't. Go. Away. They secretly want to end the hopes and dreams of Seattle fans rejoicing over the Mariners finally breaking the streak.

But this is as much fun as the average Orioles fan will have. Fans will say, "LoOk At HoW sCrApPy ThEy ArE! ThEy WoN't QuIt!" But they play in the AL East, where titans run amok. Vladimir Guerrero Jr. and the Toronto Blue Jays are always good for double-digit runs. The Tampa Bay Rays can win without spending too much on a roster. The Yankees and Red Sox ALWAYS spend too much on a roster and still win. Then, there's Baltimore. A forgotten afterthought of an American city. The only reason why people pay attention to Baltimore is because of the crab cakes and Ravens football.

Speaking of football, Peter Angelos didn't even want a baseball team to begin with. He wanted the Patriots and Washington Redskins so he could bring them to Baltimore. Therefore, Oriole fans can blame Robert Kraft and his penchant for blow jobs for their baseball team being so awful in the past few decades.

The O's should just let the Mariners have this one, piss off, and wait for next season. But they won't do it because Americans eat up the whole underdog angle. Baltimore gets their rocks off by having people pay attention to them. No one will care about this team any time soon.

After all, this is the best it's gonna get for Orioles fans. Once this season's over, it's no World Series for the O's, with relocation rumors and team control problems buzzing again. Adley Rutschman's going to be a future Dodger as well. Finally, Nashville Hot chicken is ten times better than any crab dump I've ever seen.

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