Why You Shouldn't Root for the Lions

Detroit sports has a sterling reputation for building historically good teams. That ranges from the Tigers to the Pistons and always starts with the Red Wings. However, there's a notable absence from that list: the Detroit Lions. Why is the Motor City's NFL team missing from this luxurious list?


Before you go on feeling pity for me about the Lions, know that they're NOT MY TEAM. I love the Tigers, Pistons, and Red Wings because they have a decorated history. This pathetic excuse of a team doesn't have such acclaim. Therefore, PLEASE don't associate me with such hot garbage. You might get a boot to the head.


Anyways, there are plenty of reasons why Detroit sucks. For one, they're the first NFL team to go 0-16 in a season. During that year, they signed a washed-up Daunte Culpepper, who had financial troubles after his NFL career. It's like the former Vikings quarterback's life has been Lionized.


This is also the franchise that alienated two of its best stars: Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson. Both legends had a lack of talent around them, leaving the Motor City with a ceiling of 10-6 and a wild card exit. Detroit has even gone as far as take Johnson's bonus from him and not give it back. No wonder the two Hall of Famers hate this franchise with a passion.


Of course, it starts at the top with the Ford Family, who bought the team when John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Here's a fun fact for you: the Detroit Lions have had one playoff win since 1957. They're also the only NFC team to never make the Super Bowl and have never won the NFC North.


What other atrocities have the Fords committed towards football fans in Detroit? They've silenced radio host Mike Valenti when he openly criticized the organization, switching their broadcasts over to AM radio. Martha Firestone Ford also asked the Lions not to kneel during the national anthem, sparking controversy.


On top of that, the Ford Family is getting their asses handed to by dopamine-filled Tony Stark impersonator Elon Musk. Tesla is coming out with innovative products, ranging from electric vehicles to solar panels. If Ford and Detroit are the past, then Musk and Tesla are the future, with Dogecoin going to the moon.


Watch as the face of Tesla buys the Lions and relocates them to Mars, dancing with maracas on Ford's grave. The sad thing is they wouldn't even be the best team on the planet because they're mediocre. Motor City football fans deserve much better than this and moving them out of town would be the best result.


As for Lions fans themselves, I feel bad for you only because you're rooting for a hopeless cause. Yet, many of you still put up with this like you're in an awful relationship. I must tell you the truth: it'll never happen. Detroit will never score and land the perfect ten. They'll be forever alone. I ditched the team and never looked back. Join me and abandon this flaming pile of dog turds, holding the Ford family accountable.


There are many things that annoyed me while living in metro Detroit. The hipsters gentrifying the Motor City, the long, dreary winters, and the accent. But nothing will bother me as much as this pathetic group existing. You can almost guarantee this team will finish last while Jordan Love hands you your ass.


Let's face it. Detroit's chances of ever making the Super Bowl are as good as the city's chances of hitting the two million mark in population. As long as the Ford family's steering the ship, there's no hope for this hapless franchise. Thus, you should avoid spending your Sundays rooting for a feckless team that'll disappoint you every time.